What Is the Most Psychologically Damaging Thing You Can Say to a Child?
Words carry weight—especially when they’re directed at children. The things we say to kids can shape the way they view themselves and the world around them for years to come. While there isn’t one specific phrase that’s universally the most damaging, certain types of language can deeply affect a child's psychological well-being. These kinds of words may not always seem harmful in the moment, but they can leave emotional scars that last a lifetime.
So, what are the most psychologically damaging things you can say to a child? Let’s take a closer look at why certain phrases can be so harmful and what we should say instead.
"You’re not good enough."
Hearing “you’re not good enough” or anything similar can shatter a child’s sense of self-worth. Kids rely on the adults around them to help build their self-esteem, and if they’re repeatedly told they don’t measure up, they start to believe it. Whether it’s about grades, sports, or just day-to-day activities, telling a child they aren’t good enough can lead to long-term feelings of inadequacy.
Why It's Harmful:
Children are in a constant process of learning and growing. When they hear negative reinforcement about their abilities, they internalize the message. Over time, this can lead to a lack of self-confidence and even depression. Kids might also stop trying new things because they’re convinced they’ll fail, creating a cycle of low self-esteem and underachievement.
What to Say Instead:
Try to encourage effort rather than focusing on the outcome. Phrases like “I’m proud of how hard you tried” or “You’re getting better each time” shift the focus from success to growth, helping children feel good about their progress.
"Why can’t you be more like your sibling?"
Comparisons between siblings—or any other children—can create feelings of resentment, jealousy, and inadequacy. Each child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. By comparing a child to someone else, you’re sending the message that who they are isn’t good enough.
Why It's Harmful:
Children naturally look to their parents or guardians for validation. When they’re constantly compared to others, they begin to believe they’ll never measure up, no matter what they do. This can lead to rivalry between siblings and feelings of self-doubt that follow them into adulthood.
What to Say Instead:
Focus on each child’s individual qualities. Instead of comparisons, acknowledge their personal strengths and celebrate their efforts. For example, you could say, “I love the way you think creatively” or “You’re doing such a great job with this.”
"You’re too sensitive."
Dismissing a child’s emotions by telling them they’re “too sensitive” invalidates their feelings and teaches them that their emotions don’t matter. This can be especially damaging because it discourages children from expressing themselves and seeking help when they’re upset.
Why It's Harmful:
Children need to learn that it’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions. When you tell a child they’re too sensitive, you’re essentially telling them their feelings are wrong or exaggerated. This can lead to emotional suppression, which often manifests in mental health issues later in life, like anxiety or depression.
What to Say Instead:
It’s important to validate children’s feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them. Try saying something like, “I can see that this is really upsetting you. Let’s talk about it.” This shows empathy and helps them feel safe expressing their emotions.
"I wish you were never born."
This is one of the most extreme and devastating things a child can hear. Even if it’s said in a moment of anger, telling a child that you regret their existence can create deep emotional trauma. It can leave them feeling unwanted, unloved, and unworthy of life itself.
Why It's Harmful:
Children look to their parents or guardians for a sense of security and belonging. Hearing that they’re not wanted can destroy that foundation, leading to long-term psychological damage such as depression, anxiety, or feelings of worthlessness. It can also affect their relationships and how they view themselves as adults.
What to Say Instead:
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or angry, it’s better to step away from the situation rather than say something hurtful. If something hurtful has already been said, it’s crucial to apologize and reaffirm your love for the child. Reassurance can go a long way in repairing the damage.
"You’re a failure."
Labeling a child as a failure puts an enormous weight on their shoulders. Children are still learning how to navigate life, and mistakes are part of that process. When a child is told they’re a failure, they start to believe that their worth is tied to their achievements—or lack thereof.
Why It's Harmful:
Constantly being told they’re a failure can lead children to develop a fixed mindset, where they believe they’ll never improve. This can lead to a fear of trying new things, low self-esteem, and even depression. Over time, children might stop setting goals for themselves because they’ve internalized the idea that they’ll always fail.
What to Say Instead:
Encourage children to view mistakes as opportunities for growth. Say something like, “It’s okay to make mistakes—that’s how we learn” or “You’re not a failure; this is just a setback, and you’ll get through it.”
Conclusion
Words are powerful, especially when spoken to children. The things we say can either build them up or tear them down. While it’s impossible to be perfect all the time, being mindful of how we talk to kids can make a huge difference in their emotional and psychological well-being. Instead of focusing on their shortcomings, celebrate their strengths, and offer support when they struggle. In the long run, the words you choose today can shape the adults they’ll become tomorrow.